it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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