why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
