I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
