He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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