Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
