my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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