best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
