I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
