Need sex. Gaining weight.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
