If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
