Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
