dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
