i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
