I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
