Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
third nipple confirmed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
