once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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