I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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