she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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