get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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