I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
