can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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