Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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