he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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