His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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