sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
