I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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