You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I want a musical about memes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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