I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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