I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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