i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
