the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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