You just made me feel so damn special
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
