Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
