Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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