I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
