well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
