And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
After last night, I could never be a politician.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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