Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
