i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
