it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
