I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
