Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
babies were throwing up all over the place
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i believe in u and ur pee
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
