i don't like sucking hair
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
