Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
