did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
