it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
