he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
