I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
