I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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