I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
