Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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