Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize