i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
