My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
