Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
