You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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