My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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