fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
