I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
