She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
