I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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